Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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