No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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