Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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