I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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