She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
The power of my boobs compel you
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize