I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
