I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
