i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
