im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
