im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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