My friends, they love my intelligence
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
