Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I love you. Go after that dick
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
