Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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