sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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