and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
