I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
