Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
i think my cat just said my name.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
