At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
