here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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