Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
