You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
soo... how was my night?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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