im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
