My brain says no but my pants say off.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
