it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
