1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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