Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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