Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize