I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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