She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
