You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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