The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
