ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
