If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
