the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
