You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
