I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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