You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
