Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
