so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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