like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
