I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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