you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
