My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
