Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
