Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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