I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
