remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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