A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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