i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
