just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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