what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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