batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
im holly from the hills drunk
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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