I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
