I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize