if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
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