Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
