Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
