I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think people are normalizing furries
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
