Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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