you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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