this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
