if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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