its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
