Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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