He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
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