he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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