i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
