Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
