I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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