An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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