Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
