The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
me + whiskey = a bad person
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
